But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
