Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
