he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize