When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
