god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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