i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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