I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
