is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
