Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize