Already got asked if we're dating
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
