Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize