I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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