you have to choose: penises or morals?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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