Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
