i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
