The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
