Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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