i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
