Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
