I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Randomize
