3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
