i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
