Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
