i need an iv and a liver transplant
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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