At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
