Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
