the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
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