Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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