so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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