I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
