hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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