Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
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