Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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