i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
