I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
