Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize