I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize