I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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