OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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