I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
