Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
