I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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