If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I've blown a few things in my day
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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