And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize