"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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