Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
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