We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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