Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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