why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize