I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
