If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
