my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
