look no pants
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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