She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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