Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Randomize
