Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
