absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Randomize
