I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
