just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Randomize
