Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
