New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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