Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
That accounts for only three of the penises
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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