Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
