K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
