I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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