You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I want a musical about memes.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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