I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
