I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
