Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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