Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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