I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
